Obedience. To what extent must we follow?
As a Malay Muslim, it's so hard to break free in what I want to do (at least for me) because I just had to get approved by. All my life, never have I not follow and do what my parents tell me to do. I am a good listener, an obedient child. However, growing up and maturing, I now have my sense in doing things the way I want it. I want to cook the way I want to. I want it my way, something I don't get a hold of since forever.
It's already November 2018 and I am discussing about my marriage in 2019. Being a Malay, customs are there to stay and preserved. As much as I want to embrace my culture and heritage, sometimes it felt as if it's a burden upon me. I tried to remain calm and come back to my senses but I just lose it every time I faced with elder people. It's so hard for me to follow what they want because it's not what I want.
2019. It is my wedding and I really want it to be my way. Instead, I had to give and take much more than I had expected. Because I am too obedient. I listened and I agreed yet deep inside I suffered. No one asked me if I wanted it or not but I just have to follow it because it's "customs" and "expected of me". Cruel. It's my own wedding and I hardly get freedom to choose.
It's 3.13am, currently listening to Yiruma - Kiss The Rain on YouTube and I ran out of tears.
For once, I felt like this obedience had ruined me. I never get to do things the way I wanted it since I was a child and so, I am still a listener today. I listen to others more than I listen to myself. I am unsure on my decision because others' are highly possible to be better ones. I am unconfident. If only I can myself a way around it. I wish.
It's been so long since I wrote. I always find peace after writing and I missed the feeling so much. Tonight, I poured my heart out again to this blog. Wishing someone would read it, wishing the right ones would come across it, wishing my self to whisk away sadness through it.
I hope to be given strengths to face this. Gotta trust The Almighty on this. Gotta pray it'll be alright to not get what I want even if it's from someone I most love. Gotta continue to be a listener and stay obedient. It's too late to change a thing. It's too late to dream turn the table around. It's too late to not have an obedience.
Good night.
